Beshear Asks Staff: “Okay, What Haven’t We Taxed Yet?”

FRANKFORT, KY – According to sources inside the Capitol, Governor Andy Beshear gathered his senior staff this week for what one aide described as a “brainstorming session slash intervention” on the next big idea to raise state revenue.

With sports betting now legal, horse tracks humming, and medical cannabis rolling out, Beshear reportedly paced the room, dry-erase marker in hand, and asked the question on every Kentuckian’s mind: “Alright, team… what haven’t we turned into a revenue stream yet?”

On the whiteboard, staff had already written: “Sports wagering,” “Horse racing,” “Medical cannabis,” “Online apps that take everybody’s paycheck two dollars at a time.” Beshear circled them all, sighed, and said, “Vegas thinks they’re cute. I want Kentucky to be the place where Vegas goes to get bad ideas.”

Early in the meeting, a communications aide suggested the working slogan: “If you can’t find your vice in Kentucky, you’re just not looking hard enough.” The idea was quickly upgraded to a more official-sounding tagline:

“What happens in Kentucky funds the pension system.”

“We’re not just blowing this money on neon lights and volcano fountains,” Beshear allegedly said, pointing to a sketch labeled ‘Proposed Ark Encounter: Sin City Annex.’ “Every blackjack table is just a patriotic fundraiser with free soda.”

Staff then spitballed a series of proposals designed to give Las Vegas “a run for its morally questionable money”:

• - “Church Basement Casino Nights” – Bingo replaced with full blackjack, with a special tithe on bad beats.

• - “Drive-Thru Confession & Casino” – Confess your sins, pull forward, place a parlay.

• - “Mile Marker Slot Machines” – Rest areas upgraded so travelers can lose gas money before they even reach the outlet malls.

• - “Horse-Drawn Party Wagons” – Bourbon trail tours that automatically round up your tab and invest it directly into the teacher pension fund.

One policy analyst reportedly raised a concern that Kentucky might be moving “a little fast” down the vice highway. The governor replied, “Fast? Indiana got a casino riverboat decades ago. We’re basically playing catch-up with a barge.”

The conversation eventually turned to cannabis. With medical cannabis legal but recreational still off-limits, one aide proposed a “very Kentucky compromise”:

“You can’t legally smoke it,” the aide explained, “but you can bet on whether your neighbor will get caught trying.”

Not to be outdone, a tourism official pitched a new campaign called “The Commonwealth of Compulsive Attractions,” featuring weekend packages that bundle:

• - A college basketball game (no prop bets on players, because we’re classy now),

• - A prayer breakfast,

• - And a “Responsible Gambling Seminar” held inside a room with three giant TVs and a live betting kiosk.

“In Vegas, they comp you the buffet,” the tourism official said. “In Kentucky, we comp you a brochure on financial literacy and a magnet with the helpline number on it. That’s Southern hospitality.”

The meeting reportedly hit a brief snag when someone suggested a state-run fantasy gambling league where citizens could draft their favorite vices and watch the tax revenue stats in real time.

“Too on the nose,” Beshear said, before pausing. “Write it down anyway. We might need that in 2027.”

By the end of the session, the group arrived at a refined slogan to test with focus groups in Louisville and the more adventurous parts of Pulaski County:

“Kentucky: Where your guilty pleasures go to work for the Commonwealth.”

“We’re going to be fiscally responsible about this,” Beshear declared as staff gathered their notes. “Every spin of the roulette wheel is a step toward a balanced budget. And if Las Vegas doesn’t like it, they’re welcome to come down to Churchill Downs and place a bet on how long we can keep this up.”

As the meeting adjourned, one intern was overheard whispering, “At this point, we’re about two ideas away from ‘Tax-Deductible Moonshine’ and ‘Scratch-Off Sermons.’”

Legislative leaders, sources say, are split on the program but united on one point: they’d like a cut of the naming rights for whatever vice-based revenue scheme passes next.